Spread your wings – self-esteem as a self-fulfilling prophecy

Have you ever felt that you are not good enough, wanted, loved, visible, strong? Or that you don't fit in anywhere? And what would the world look like if we had balanced self-esteem? What would you dare to do if you knew you were worth it? What would you dare to dream about? What would you stop doing if you felt you deserved more? And what if your self-perception manifests in an excessive pursuit of prestige and power, a lack of empathy for others, and difficulties in building relationships? How does our self-esteem affect our perception of reality? Why does it act like a self-fulfilling prophecy? How can we rid ourselves of fear, feel our autonomy, and… spread our wings? Małgosia Kwiatkowska discusses this with psychologist and therapist Ela Trandziuk.

Małgosia Kwiatkowska: What is self-esteem and how is it formed? 

Ela Trandziuk: There is no single accepted definition of "self-esteem," as we are still discovering new aspects in this area. Self-esteem is crucial in being oneself in the world. It influences how we direct our lives and relationships. As the name suggests, it refers to the personal image of oneself. Self-esteem is the evaluation of one's achievements. It concerns aspects related to accomplishments, successes, the adequate realization of one's needs, and the assessment of one's, internal and external attractiveness. It also relates to many other elements that make up our self-image and are measured by a scale created, more or less consciously, in our minds. Generally, the more our resources are realized and our goals achieved in our chosen way, the higher our self-esteem.

MK: Is it worth distinguishing self-esteem from self-worth?

ET: English-language sources highlight this difference less. In Polish-language sources, we often make this distinction. What is it about? We feel self-worth on an emotional level; it involves accepting and respecting oneself, recognizing different parts of oneself, and involves a sense of dignity and freedom. It also includes the readiness to care for our well-being – to derive joy and satisfaction from life, to feel that it has deeper meaning. At the same time, it means accepting that others also respect me for who I am, how I live, and the choices I make. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is understood more as an image/evaluation/attitude towards oneself, the perspective we adopt regarding ourselves based on our assessment of our decisions, actions, and achievements. For example, if we achieve success in an area important to us, our self-esteem will be higher.

MK: Tell us how it happens that some of us have low self-esteem while others have high self-esteem.

ET: This is how we learned to read ourselves and take care of our well-being. It's a multidimensional issue, often a component of several factors. The key source of self-esteem is a symbolic suitcase that includes: childhood, upbringing, parents' relationships and our relationships with each parent, relationships with siblings or the lack thereof, and also how we learned to be in the family, what beliefs we learned about the world, people, and ourselves. A common recurring element here is comparisons to siblings, other children we grew up with, for example, children at school, and also evaluations. For many parents, our school or extracurricular achievements and whether they were better than those of our peers were important. Most often, at this stage of life, we become unconscious actors in the social phenomenon of social comparisons. Summerville and Roese's 2008 study confirms that they constitute about 7% of our thoughts. I think that's quite a lot. 

MK: Given how much is said today about painful and difficult childhood experiences, I wonder how many people have a chance for balanced self-esteem.

ET: Such healthy self-esteem includes both an awareness of one's successes and an awareness of one's limitations and weaknesses, as well as what one is better or worse at compared to others. Moreover, it concerns how we can sensibly lead ourselves to success. I don't know if there are studies that examine how many people currently have genuinely healthy self-esteem. From the perspective of my practice and interpersonal experiences, I can say that it is few. Interestingly, though probably not surprisingly, research shows that women globally have lower self-esteem than men, and therefore also rate their resources lower. The story of our self-evaluation begins in childhood when we learn from the people most important to us at the time what the standards, values, and life principles are, what we should believe in, what we should like, and what fits into a specific concept of the world. During this period, we also learn how our skills are evaluated and how they compare to the achievements of others around us. Our subconscious beliefs about what we can and cannot do are shaped. For example: you are not good at computer science, so you can't go to study computer science because mainly men study it. Or, only when you build a house, father a son, and plant a tree are you a man. Learned strategies for responding to what we experience are also important.

MK: Why can thoughts like "You are not good enough. Don't speak up. Don't stand out" take over our minds? What difference does it make whether you believe you are ugly or beautiful or good at maths or sports?

ET: If, as a child, I rarely or never heard or learned that I was good at something, that I was enough, important, then how am I supposed to know that? For a child, a parent plays the role of a god who sets the rules of the world, and it is from them that the child learns how to live, think, and feel. Often the inability to view oneself with warmth and tenderness is a reflection of the same inability in the parent. If you hear from an important person that you have a crooked nose and therefore no one will want you, those words work in your mind and can genuinely affect your decisions. If you hear from an important person that you have great legs and they look great in a dress, those words work in your mind and also genuinely affect how you feel about yourself. Essential during the pre-adult period are also our abilities to make and maintain acquaintances and friendships. If we felt liked, and accepted, and had groups of people with whom we spent our free time, we received feedback that our company was valuable, enriching, pleasant, and interesting. Such feedback, even if unnamed and unconscious, could influence our self-esteem. There are also individual factors such as temperament, personality type, specific, crisis, and traumatic events. These differences create different people.

MK: Would you add other factors that influence the shaping of our self-esteem?

ET: In fact, everything has an impact, even the moment in history when we are born. How our ancestors lived because our first teachers learned life from them, and these patterns shape our interiors to varying degrees, thus also affecting our self-esteem. As children, we observe how our parents or caregivers react to their own experiences, what they say to themselves, what actions they take, and how they evaluate their efforts. If you see an adult who, regardless of what they do and achieve, still has something to reproach themselves for, you will most likely measure yourself by a similar yardstick, taking it as the right standard, the only one known to you. And so, for example, generations growing up in the 70s, 80s, and 90s often heard: "Don't stick out." We were encouraged to align with others, and stepping outside the pattern could bring unpleasant consequences in the form of punishment. Dysfunctional homes created by war and post-war generations, education in schools mostly from the level of commands and prohibitions, fitting in and not fitting in, quite low awareness and knowledge about mental life, relationships with the self, closeness… It is hard to imagine that these are conditions conducive to building a kind image of oneself.

MK: And yet, if I think well of myself, rate myself and my achievements highly, my mental well-being improves, I perceive what happens to me in more optimistic colors, but I also feel more pleasure being with myself and others.

ET: In relationships with others, we verify ourselves – it is a verification about another person, that is, us to an external source. Therefore, self-esteem will change more or less dynamically, just as our position concerning another person changes. The aforementioned social comparisons operate on two vectors: "downward" – if I compare myself to someone, I consider worse than me in some respect, and "upward" – if I compare myself to someone, I consider better than me in some respect. Depending on how this self-esteem regulation works, it will affect our relationships. There is always someone I feel in some way better than and someone I feel worse than. It is easier for us to accept that we are better at something than others. Who doesn't like being the best in the group, raise your hand! Self-esteem also has a real impact on the partners we choose and the role we take in relationships or partnerships. If I feel attractive, interesting, and effective, and manage my reality well, I will most likely look for someone who can be my partner in experiencing everyday life.

MK: Maybe we would like to be the best, but how often do we feel that way in a group, privately or professionally? How often is self-esteem deceitful to oneself? 

ET: A public declaration that I feel wonderful, beautiful, and happy doesn't have to match the real image of oneself. Often, behind this high facade, we hide our fears, for example, that the environment might find out we are not as great as we are perceived. My attention is often drawn to people who describe themselves as "incurable optimists" or "people who love everyone." These are slogans meant to quickly paint a specific picture of ourselves to others. From my perspective, it is rarely authentic. Today's employees in middle adulthood often describe themselves as modest, and when asked about their strengths or complimented, they usually fall into "strong embarrassment." It is sad for me when a person with many resources, talents, experiences, and achievements has difficulty accepting themselves as someone who has achieved success, which they can also define themselves. Culture continues to dictate the conditions in which we can be and live here, setting a narrow framework within which we must fit. The more we do not fit in, the more it hurts, the more we isolate ourselves and feel insufficient. And most often, we are enough.

MK: So, one can conclude that our level of self-esteem significantly influences our self-perception, but also our perception of reality. As if unfavorable self-analysis imprisoned us in a mental hell and transferred to how we see the world. 

ET: The way we see ourselves can greatly distort the image of reality, most often to our detriment. It can lead us to a place where our self-image prevents us from, for example, reaching for a dream job or creating a healthy, mature relationship. Or it will be an effective insulator from reaching out for help in difficult situations when we feel helpless, while at the same time feeling shame for feeling it, and we rate our effectiveness low in some situations. If I feel competent and trust my resourcefulness, I am more willing to take on challenges, and tasks, and more willing to enter relationships. If I rate my attractiveness highly, attractiveness will not be a factor that lowers my chances of success in some areas.

MK: Where does such "charming" of reality come from?

ET: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a psychological phenomenon where our beliefs and expectations influence our behaviour so that these beliefs become reality. Self-fulfilling prophecies can be empowering or limiting. If we have low self-esteem, we may unconsciously take actions or make choices that confirm our negative beliefs about ourselves, which in turn leads to failures and confirms our fears. Limiting self-fulfilling prophecies are those that undermine our worth, potential, and achievements. Conversely, empowering self-fulfilling prophecies are those that boost our self-esteem, motivation, and outcomes. For example, if you believe you can learn a new skill, you will be more inclined to seek opportunities, practice, and improve. High self-esteem makes us believe in our abilities, take on challenges, and strive for success, which in turn reinforces our positive self-assessment.

MK: In this first case, is it possible to stop this vicious cycle?

ET: Yes, fortunately, as an adult, conscious individual, we can make independent decisions. Self-esteem can change, we are capable of self-actualization, we can change our self-image depending on the stage of our history, and change our attitudes, beliefs, and behavior. I am happy to observe that more and more people are doing specific work in this area, experiencing changes, and increasingly evaluating their actions. Moreover, noticeable differences are emerging between representatives of different generations. Today we know that the baby boomer generation has a higher tendency to underestimate their achievements, but Generation Z more often knows their worth and can set boundaries.

MK: How to break this unfavorable order of things? How do you change the way you think about yourself? 

ET: It's worth starting with an honest conversation with yourself, looking at the inner voice – how do I speak to and about myself? How do I react to my achievements? How do I receive difficult feedback and criticism? Do I appreciate the effort put into achieving a goal important to me? How do I cope with crises? Am I open to new, unknown solutions? Am I aware of my competencies? How do I look at people around me, what do I notice in them? Do I place myself in opposition or competition with others? When I struggle with some belief about myself and feel that it may be the cause of my blocks, it is worth checking whose voice it is, whose voice is it. Maybe you are suffering from something that is not yours. Questions that many of us carry and that I often hear during sessions: "Who am I really?", "what does it mean for me to be myself?". And indeed, the search for answers can lead us astray.

MK: That's not where we want to end up. 

ET: Probably not. That’s why the most important journey we can undertake is the journey within ourselves. That’s where we’ll find the coveted treasure. The basis for starting work is slowly facing the truth about us. It's a process, often long and winding, not a sudden act. And there’s no guarantee of a specific result. Existing defense mechanisms can offer strong resistance, and not everything can be done immediately, right now; we don’t always have sufficient insight, tools, or circumstances. We can rely on relationships with close ones. We can work with a therapist. Most often, at different stages of life, we will be ready for a different kind of self-work. This might be the most challenging aspect, but it’s worth returning to the idea that I am responsible for my self-assessment. I can support myself with the opinions of close, important people, but what I take from that depends on me. If I were to give a few recommendations for working on self-esteem, I would offer them in the form of exercises: First, honestly look at your history and write down what you see as an achievement (for example, how you handle a crisis). List your talents and check how you implement them and whether you evaluate yourself adequately in this regard. Check how much you trust yourself. Accept a compliment with the thought that someone likes who you are or what you do. Practice complimenting others. I also encourage searching for answers to the question of who we are in practice, that is, going out into the world beyond the world in our heads. Simply check, experiment, and verify. There is no change without change.

MK: I have the impression, however, that the external world doesn’t make this path to self-knowledge easy for us.

ET: The present-day “hell” in our daily lives, which you mentioned earlier, can be social media and the “reality” they try to show us, often successfully. It’s an image that usually differs from our lives, from the perspective of which we will judge our own lives. Added to this is the fight for likes – the more of them, the more attractive we feel, and we win the competition for a moment. Conversely, when these likes are lacking, our self-esteem drops, often drastically and painfully. It’s worth looking at where the foundation of how we think about ourselves is located and considering whether we need these invisible threads of competition. Isn't the opinion of others a sandcastle-like construction? It’s encouraging that we can change this proverbial record recorded in the first part of our lives. With successive, even small steps towards kinder self-esteem, we can change our position.

MK: Is there another way to make life easier and charm reality to our advantage? Maybe it’s worth finding the cause of disbelief, the reason why we don’t live in harmony with our potential, our talents, and our dreams. When we accept who we are, will we gain access to our greatest potential? As Brené Brown convinces us, should we allow ourselves to be vulnerable? Or maybe it’s worth changing the question “why,” which imprisons us in the past, to “what,” concerning our future?

ET: Self-acceptance sometimes requires a long journey, during which we learn about ourselves and new skills. I prefer to think of the relationship with "I" from the perspective of liking oneself, just simply. I like myself, therefore I want good things for myself, therefore I enjoy spending time with myself, therefore I take care of my health, therefore I try to accept myself in various shades, therefore I take risks, therefore I have courage, therefore sometimes I stay in my comfort zone and sometimes I step out of it, therefore I rate myself as an attractive person. I am curious about who sees themselves daily as a good, valuable, intelligent person worth being in contact with. Who evaluates their actions as right and accurate? Who trusts their competencies? Who is open to building their self-esteem from kindly seeing what they have and who they are? Trust yourself that you have everything you need to enjoy your successes.

MK: I will try, and I encourage everyone who desires change to attempt it. Cultivating unconditional self-worth is a continuous practice. But maybe it’s worth taking that small step you mentioned and trying to do something differently. And perhaps a day will come when we feel we can spread our wings wide. Thank you for the conversation. 

ET: Thank you very much as well, and I keep my fingers crossed for learning to fly.