Who will save the hero? How to help the helpers

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.

– Helen Keller

In today's world, we move from one crisis to another – both internationally and within individual societies and communities. Amidst this constant flux and unpredictability, the role of those who provide help has become more crucial than ever. Anxiety, stress, and trauma are now common causes of health problems. Without the support of those who help us through difficult times, many people might struggle to cope with challenges. Compassionate action towards others gives life meaning and a sense of purpose but taking on someone else’s suffering involves great effort and often becomes a heavy burden. Can compassion fatigue be prevented? What mechanisms allow us to effectively support others while also taking care of our health? How can we best help those who are helping? Małgosia Kwiatkowska discusses these questions with Hania Wąż – a crisis consultant, business trainer, and coach.

Małgosia Kwiatkowska: When we think of people who help others, we often imagine those who professionally engage in assisting. However, I would like to start our conversation with the idea that anyone, whether acting professionally or privately can play this role. Is this a fair approach?

Hania Wąż: You are right. Helping is an integral part of life for most people. For many, it is a natural stance, both in private and professional relationships. I would like to share a story that is often circulated online and on social media. It involves the anthropologist Margaret Mead. During a lecture, a student asked her about the first sign of civilization. The student expected Mead to mention the invention of the wheel or tools, but her response was: a healed femur. The researcher explained that in the animal world, a broken leg means death, as you become easy prey for predators. No creature in the wild survives long enough with a broken leg for the bone to heal. So, what does its healing signify? Someone must have stayed with the fallen person, tended to their wounds, brought them to safety, and cared for them during their recovery. "Helping someone overcome difficulties is the beginning of civilization," Margaret Mead is said to have declared. And while we may never know if this story truly happened, its message deeply moves me. It’s surprising how quickly we list achievements like the wheel or a clay pot ahead of helping another human being. Yet, caring for others is one of the most wonderful and profoundly human instincts. For some, providing help is so significant that it becomes part of their professional life.

MK: Tell me, what emotional challenges do people who help others as part of their job most often face? Which groups are most at risk of these difficulties?

HW: Helping affects the lives of those we assist, but it also greatly impacts the helpers themselves. Emotions are an inseparable part of this process, whether we are helping with everyday tasks, like carrying groceries or supporting someone through tough times after losing a loved one. Emotions are the driving force, cause, and effect of helping – they are present before, during, and after every such situation. Therapists, paramedics, psychologists, caregivers, and workers in similar professions who encounter suffering from violence, accidents, natural disasters, or other traumatic events are exposed to intense emotional challenges. Such exposure increases the risk of secondary traumatic stress. The longer a person is exposed to such stimuli, the higher the likelihood of developing symptoms of this syndrome. Constant contact with pain and strong emotions from victims weakens the ability to cope with one’s own feelings, leading to chronic emotional fatigue. Listening to detailed accounts of traumatic events and witnessing suffering and despair can cause the supporter to "absorb" these emotions. As a result, they may start to feel anxiety, helplessness, or other negative states that mirror the emotions of those affected by trauma.

MK: What might indicate that a helper is struggling with secondary traumatic stress?

HW: Warning signs include those typical of a chronic psychological crisis. Firstly, fatigue and exhaustion – both physical, accompanied by a sense of being unable to recover and emotional, manifested as a lack of energy for everyday tasks and a feeling of being overwhelmed. Emotional instability may also appear, showing as irritability, aggressive reactions to minor situations, and loss of patience, which diverge from the person’s previous behavior. Another concerning signal is avoiding contact with others, withdrawing from social interactions, and stopping seeking support from loved ones despite being previously open to relationships. Special attention should be paid to empathic burnout when a person loses the ability to care about others’ problems that previously moved them. In such cases, cynicism, detachment, or indifference to suffering may develop. This is often accompanied by sleep disturbances, eating problems, health issues, and risky or self-destructive behaviors. As you can see, any change, any behavior that deviates from the previous psychological norm, should raise our concern. In extreme cases, secondary traumatic stress can lead to professional burnout.

MK: Can professional burnout syndrome be recognized in people who help others?

HW: Yes, warning signs appear in this context too. In addition to the previously mentioned symptoms of chronic crisis, there may also be emotional distancing from work and dehumanization of the people being helped – seeing them more as problems than as genuinely suffering individuals. This list also includes a sense of ineffectiveness in helping efforts, leading to a lack of job satisfaction.

MK: You mentioned compassion fatigue, and I’m wondering, what distinguishes healthy compassion and empathy from those that lead to burnout?

HW: There are many definitions of empathy, but when I ask about its meaning during workshops, it’s difficult to reach a common understanding of what it is and what it isn’t. I greatly value the definition of empathy proposed by Brené Brown. It’s about accepting another person with their story, exactly as they are. The American researcher identifies four key elements of empathy: the ability to take another person’s perspective and recognize it as true, refraining from judgement, recognizing the person’s emotions, and the ability to communicate this understanding. Why do I like this definition? Because it is healthy for both sides. I often encounter the mistaken belief that empathy means feeling the same emotions as another person. Our nervous system is not equipped to simultaneously bear both our own challenges and those of others. We cannot healthily experience emotions on behalf of two people. I understand this definition as a form of partnership in the support process – being alongside another person, respecting their emotions and experiences without fully immersing ourselves in their feelings. It’s a wise companionship that allows us to be present, helpful, and supportive while maintaining our own emotional balance. This approach enables us to effectively provide support because we have access to all our resources. Now, we could use a definition of compassion. Compassion is an active desire to help and alleviate another person’s suffering; it involves understanding another’s pain and feeling the need to act to ease it. Compassion, combined with healthy empathy, forms the foundation of effective helping. On the other hand, compassion fatigue is a state in which the helper becomes emotionally exhausted, numb, or demotivated due to continuous exposure to the suffering of others.

MK: So, can wise, partnering empathy be a stance that protects us from compassion fatigue?

HW: Yes. Remembering the separateness of our feelings and that another person’s sadness or despair does not belong to us is an important preventive measure. I know this may sound cold, but let’s think rationally. In the short term – if I feel the same emotions as the person I want to help, will I be able to act effectively? Will I have sufficient resources to truly support them? In the long run – if today I fully immerse myself in the emotions of someone who has experienced trauma, will I still be able to help effectively after the fifth, seventh, or twentieth such encounter? Moving from theory to reality: this approach promotes health, but we must also remember that we are only human. It’s natural to cry when others cry and to feel their pain. We must allow ourselves these emotions when they arise. Acknowledge and accept what we feel. But at the same time, we must not drown in these emotions. Therefore, it’s important to practice healthy empathy – one that is based on accompanying rather than experiencing others’ emotions. The effectiveness of our help depends on us being healthy and strong ourselves. It’s essentially about setting emotional boundaries.

MK: Without these boundaries, we will end up needing help ourselves. Immersing in others’ emotions and traumas without proper safeguards can only end badly. Tell me, how often are helpers affected by vicarious trauma?

HW: Vicarious trauma is a relatively common phenomenon in helping professions. Its prevalence varies depending on the professional context, type of work, and individual predispositions. Research by Brian Bride in 2004 found that it affects up to 34% of social workers and therapists working with victims of violence. Meanwhile, results published in 2011 by Peter Huggard show that 24% of nurses working in intensive care units reported symptoms such as excessive fatigue, emotional exhaustion, and intrusive thoughts related to patients' suffering. Other studies highlight three main factors influencing the frequency of secondary trauma: the intensity of contact with traumatic cases, length of service, and lack of systemic support, such as supervision or therapy.

MK: There are indeed many challenges associated with helping. I’m curious, from your perspective, what are the main factors that cause those who help others to often forget about self-care? It’s quite a paradox, isn’t it?

HW: I once heard from one of my mentors: “In your work, you are the tool and every professional looks after their tools”. Although we act like professionals, we often forget the most important thing – taking care of ourselves. One reason for this is the sense of mission. Helpers often feel that their work is more than just a job. It gives them a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. As a result, signs of fatigue appear late—only when the first symptoms of overstepping healthy boundaries show up. Many helpers struggle to recognize their own emotional and physical limitations. By focusing on others, they lose the ability to see when they need rest or support. A sense of responsibility leads them to put others before themselves. In their mission to save others, caring for their own health is sometimes seen as selfishness, especially when those they help are suffering more. In professions such as emergency response, medicine, social work, or education, there is a social phenomenon called the cult of sacrifice, which forces action despite exhaustion. The work environment often reinforces the belief that one should work beyond one’s limits. Dr George S. Everly from Johns Hopkins University, a specialist in psychological support, said: “I’ve been doing this for 40 years, and I’ve seen many of my colleagues fall victim to the helping process.” Yet the best way to help others is to look after one’s health and well-being.

MK: So, let’s try to learn this. What self-care strategies can help maintain mental balance?

HW: Fortunately, there are many ways, and it’s worth taking advantage of them. However, we shouldn’t wait until the first signs of a psychological crisis appear. Self-care is a necessity that should become part of our daily routine, just like brushing our teeth or taking a shower. We must look after our mental health, especially when helping others. The first step is setting healthy professional and emotional boundaries, as well as separating work life from personal life. I’ve already mentioned learning healthy empathy—it’s also a crucial element of self-care. It’s important for helpers to realistically approach their capabilities and accept that they cannot always fix everything. Regular supervision is also essential, as it helps to process difficult emotions and experiences. Support from colleagues in similar professions is equally vital—conversations with people who understand the specifics of this work are invaluable for mental health. It’s also worth regularly reminding ourselves why we chose this path and what values drive us. Don’t forget about relaxation techniques, physical activity, and a healthy lifestyle. Adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and finding a balance between time for others and time for oneself are key to maintaining mental and physical health.

MK: You highlighted the importance of reminding oneself of the reasons for choosing this life path. Is this where the source of satisfaction and strength lies, helping us to continue working despite challenging conditions?

HW: It’s both an easy and a difficult task. At the core of the decision to help usually lies a deep sense of purpose, and focusing on it can bring job satisfaction. However, when we reach a point of exhaustion, that sense often fades or loses significance. It’s then worth drawing energy from building authentic, positive relationships with clients, patients, or colleagues. These are usually bonds based on empathy, trust, and cooperation. An important element of inner fulfillment and balance is setting realistic goals. Do you know what one of the biggest causes of frustration is? The gap between what we expect and what we can achieve. Setting realistic professional goals and appreciating every little progress helps avoid this frustration. This also means accepting that not every case will end in complete success. Continuous self-improvement, discovering new tools and theories, and seeking a deeper understanding of what makes us human are vital in helping roles. In these roles, we have this duty. And the most important of these is self-awareness—understanding our roles, reactions, feelings, strengths, and weaknesses. This inner self, well known to us, will be someone we can rely on when difficulties arise.

MK: Can we also draw strength and inspiration from observing how those we help cope with difficult experiences, trauma, and overcome life’s adversities?

HW: Yes, the concept of vicarious resilience refers to the positive phenomenon that can occur among those who help others professionally. Watching someone gradually rebuild and adapt after traumatic experiences can be incredibly uplifting. Such experiences not only strengthen motivation but also amplify the sense of purpose and meaning in helping work. When we see that our actions genuinely improve the lives of others, we can feel a deeper commitment to our mission, which adds energy even in the toughest moments. The awareness that our involvement leads to positive changes helps maintain emotional balance and counteracts the sense of helplessness that sometimes accompanies this work. Vicarious resilience does not eliminate challenges – each success of those we support can serve as a reminder of the difficulties inherent in the helping process. However, in these moments, we see that our work has meaning. That’s why internal strength, developed through relationships full of empathy, support, and cooperation, is so crucial.

MK: You’ve mentioned building relationships several times and emphasized their importance. Do you see differences in the approach to self-care between those who can rely on support from loved ones compared to those who are alone?

HW: Undoubtedly, those with loved ones they can rely on regularly benefit from emotional support, unlike those who lack such support. The absence of this care means that helpers are more susceptible to burnout and other health problems. Ideally, everyone would have access to at least professional support groups where they could share their emotions, and experiences, both successes and failures. For those without close ones, such self-care strategies, as I mentioned earlier, become an absolute necessity and a duty to oneself.

MK: Self-care is a priority, but we mustn’t forget the role that the environment plays in this process. How can organizations actively support employees exposed to vicarious trauma or burnout? What strategies, support programs, or solutions are most effective in preventing these issues?

HW: The first key supportive factor is an organizational culture that promotes mental health, based on openness and eliminating stigmatization. It’s an environment where open conversations about mental health are encouraged, and employees feel safe sharing their difficulties. In such an organizational culture, seeking psychological help is not stigmatized, and taking care of mental health is seen as a natural part of overall health care. The second factor is creating support groups for employees, where they can share their experiences and coping strategies. Self-organizing employee groups, such as “Mental Health Buddies,” also play an important role, offering emotional support and providing first psychological aid to those in crisis.

MK: What role do colleagues and teams play in countering burnout?

HW: I think, deep down, we all know the answer to this question, or at least we sense it. Colleagues and teams play a crucial role. The support we receive in the workplace, where we spend a significant part of our lives, can prevent burnout on both an emotional and professional level. However, before focusing on specific solutions, it’s worth starting with the basics. Creating an atmosphere of cooperation, mutual motivation, and support should be the foundation of every organization. A team that understands the challenges its members face becomes a natural source of emotional help. It’s worth introducing mechanisms that facilitate task management – when someone feels too much pressure, others can step in, taking on some tasks or collaborating on a project. Task rotation could also be a good solution if feasible. Colleagues should also remind each other of the need to maintain healthy boundaries between work and private life, take breaks, and avoid the pressure to work overtime. Teams should share their experiences – both positive and negative. This exchange normalizes challenges and makes difficulties part of the professional process. Finally, early recognition of burnout signs is crucial. Colleagues can respond to these signs by offering help or suggesting the use of available resources, such as psychological consultations through EAP, before the problem becomes serious.

MK: I wonder if small acts of kindness matter in supporting those who help others. Can these simple, everyday gestures ease the burden on those who carry a heavy emotional load? Can each of us, through kindness, genuinely support them?

HW: Absolutely yes. A smile, a kind word, offering help with daily tasks, or simply listening are micro-gestures that bring macro-effects. Directed at anyone, they are meaningful, but when aimed at helpers – who are daily burdened with the responsibility for others – they can bring emotional relief. It helps them feel appreciated and understood, which significantly reduces stress levels. Moreover, the effects of these small acts of kindness reach deeper. We rarely consider that helpers can feel lonely and isolated despite their contact with many people. In times of excess and abundance, I believe that the most valuable thing we possess as humanity is our togetherness in such moments. Sometimes, a thank you, assistance with small matters, or creating space for someone to rest and take care of themselves as needed is enough. 

MK: As you mentioned, caring for others is one of the most wonderful and human instincts. So let’s approach others with care, but let’s not forget kindness towards ourselves. It’s important that the hero, once they’ve saved the whole world, is also able to reach out for help, isn’t afraid to ask for it, and knows how to do it. Only then will they have the strength to continue supporting others and maintain their inner balance. Thank you for the conversation.

HW: Thank you too, and I hope our talk encourages many to reflect on how important the balance between giving and receiving is.