It happened

We have been expecting this for months. Yet to expect war and wake up to a real one right next-door are two different things. From the reassuring "no, this is not going to happen" we have now moved on to reality of facts. Let's experience the initial disbelief, face a suddenly very real fear, and then start to deal with it - in order to take care of ourselves and others, as best we can. Dozens of thoughts and emotions appear - war affects us in many ways. So let's try to go through this together and think about how to deal with this situation as an individual and as part of a group.

Keep an eye on the situation but be cautious not to let the news overwhelm you. One of the first responses to a crisis is searching for information. Many of us have on-line news channels these days, we browse websites several times a day, and we share the latest news in our daily contacts. To a certain extent, this is justified as it allows us to adapt our reactions to the changing reality. But when there is too much information, we begin to notice that it prevents us from doing well. On the contrary, we feel depressed and confused. Therefore, try to be informed to the extent that you really need. You don't have to be an expert in international affairs, nor know all the comments of politicians and every military move. Limit access to news, also select its sources. Unfortunately, this war is also accompanied by a lot of deliberate misinformation. Before you start worrying about anything you hear from an uncertain source, ask yourself whether it can be believed. A significant part of the story about "a friend who knows for sure, because a friend has seen himself", viral photos and videos of unknown origin is fake news.

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Accept that it is impossible to fully understand what is happening and why. The search for information is also driven by the need to find answers, because, as a rule, we cope better with clear situations. But can the situation we are dealing with be rationally understood at all? Has the war just started or has it been going on for eight years already? Why a war in which all sides are losing? How can "defence of the population" justify killing a population and how can aggression be self defence? Is it calculation or self-destruction? Is the world right in not escalating the situation or should it play rougher? Didn't we ourselves only make matters worse by trying not to mix business or sport with politics? Who, considering the whole world puzzle, can stop it? Many of us are asking such questions today. But when there is no answer, repeating the same questions over and over again starts working against us. Accept that there are many things that you will not know - for a long time or ever; accept also the fact that events may lack rationality and logic. Take action to the best of your knowledge, but know that that knowledge is very limited and you cannot change it.

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Allow yourself to be afraid. We can tell ourselves that we should not be afraid but our emotions do not easily conform to what we "should". Whether we like it or not, most of us feel fear in a crisis. This also applies to those for whom cultural patterns deny such feelings - soldiers, fathers or bosses. However, fear is quite wrongly equated with weakness. In the face of danger, it is rather the lack of fear that is worrying. Regardless of who you are and what your social role is, you have the right to say "I'm afraid." You have the right to seek support - from family, friends and colleagues, as well as from a psychologist and psychiatrist. Sometimes it is necessary to talk, other times to use sedatives or sleeping pills – there is nothing wrong with that. Another question is whether your fear level is adequate to the threat. Excessive fear can paralyse or induce radical action. You have to work with such emotions so that they are not destructive, and it is best done with an experienced therapist.

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Do not give up on your usual day-to-day affairs. Faced with such a great crisis, our daily plans, activities and habits may seem insignificant. Isn't it petty and selfish to bother with the taste of your morning latte when there are crowds of people at the nearby border who do not know where they will sleep the next night? It is worth taking actions that we are ready for and that are within our influence, but at the same time we can live our own lives and try to cherish what keeps us balanced and what is important. Consider whether changing your life serves something, or maybe it only adds to the loss account. Reply to an e-mail, walk your dog, do an English lesson, keep the house in order. This is important. Normality brings greater peace to our lives. Taking care of our world, we also counteract the destruction that this war brings.

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Look for what's under your control. War may be acutely felt but it is not you who controls it. However, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do. This new situation creates a sea of needs, and by taking action you can reduce your feeling of powerlessness. Think about what you can do and remember that even small gestures can mean a lot. Your words can ease the fears of your child, partner, friend, colleague. Your gesture of support can give someone hope. Your attitude can encourage others to act. Your time, resources and skills can prove valuable to many people and organisations. You can give someone a job or outsource a service. Maybe you know the law, you are an efficient organiser or you can inspire others with your Instagram posts. Everyone can do something.

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Be compassionate with yourself. In difficult times, no one wants to be a "soft fag", especially when we feel that others are going through so much more. Be realistic and don't expect yourself to be tough, heroic and "pulled together" all of the sudden. Most of us do not have a ready-made answer to this crisis. We react to it differently and it touches different buttons in each one of us. Accept your thoughts and emotions and embrace them without judging if they make you a bad person. You own your thoughts and emotions and, whatever they may be, they deserve your attention. Do not try to silence them with alcohol or TV stream, do not deny that they exist. Take your time and use it to learn to cope. Also, ask for help when you need it because no one has to go through this experience alone.

Let's realise that we are not alone in this difficult time. We belong to the circle of relatives, friends, acquaintances and our communities; at work – we are part of the team and the entire organisation. This is important because being together in a crisis can be a source of hope, strength and real help, and it depends on each of us whether this will be the case, because each of us has an impact on her or his group, either as its leader or member. The role of leaders is not to know immediately what to do and to  handle emotions very well, but rather to create conditions for joint thinking and action, provide guidance and ensure everyone is included. So, if you are a manager, bring it on even if you feel unsure; organise a meeting, share your perception of the situation and invite employees to talk: “We all follow the situation, I myself cannot believe it is happening. So let's talk here, as a team, how it affects you all…”.

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Let's talk - as much as needed. Sometimes we say "it is what it is, how can talking help." Or we think "what can I offer, after all actions speak louder than words." But talking is one of the best ways to beat fear and find ways to deal with the situation at hand. A common narrative unites - couples, friends, families, and work teams. Everywhere we need the opportunity to share our emotions and express our thoughts. Having a safe, common space to be heard helps and reassures - as long as, instead of being really listened to, we don't hear "no, really?", "you exaggerate", "I don't watch the news and I'm fine", "you should…". Conversation also helps us to process our emotions and thoughts, and change them. Probably we have all experienced how uplifting or depressing a conversation can be, so let's recognise  its power. We can help with conversation also while not being specialists, but if you do not know how to talk or feel that it is beyond your capabilities, it is worth consulting a psychologist. 

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Let's be careful and not escalate tensions. Unfortunately, not every conversation is helpful. Repeating unverified, alarming messages triggers panic. Excessive collective deliberation increases uncertainty.  Sometimes we just fuel each other's fears. Try to make the conversation feel you/others better. When you see the confusion getting worse, say calmly "we don't know that" and redirect group's thoughts:  "so, let's think about...".  When necessary, admit "we are all afraid" and ask "what can be done?" Be curious: "How are you getting on?", "How do you deal with anxiety", "Do you see any good in this experience?", "What do you think this teaches us?"

Let's take care of each other. Today it is difficult to find a group of people entirely unaffected by the war. There will be many more over time - Ukrainians, Russians and Poles in various ways connected with Ukraine. It is worth determining who needs help in groups we know - ask people what would be important and helpful for them in these circumstances.  Sometimes it will be a conversation and just being in touch, other times information that we can obtain, or participation in arranging formalities or organisational matters, sometimes material support. However, it is important that our help is what a given person wants, and not what we would like while being their shoes. We can look for opportunities to provide support within the group but also in external organisations.

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Let's create a safe, supportive environment. We cannot know how the situation will develop but it can be assumed that it will be demanding - for all of us. We may be dealing with panic, overreacting or, on the contrary, numbness and refusal to act, many needs for which we are not prepared will emerge. There will be fatigue resulting from thoughts and information overflow, as well as frustration that yet another crisis is stealing years of normal life from us. Therefore, let's take care of ourselves and those around us - in this exact order and as best as we can.

ICAS Poland provides 24/7 psychological and legal assistance in Polish, English, Ukrainian and Russian to all persons covered by the company's EAP Programs. Please contact us if you are interested in supporting your employees.

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