Tiny traumas – how to mend the cracks that shape us

Pushed aside experiences and overlooked trivialities, which, over time, take up more space in our minds and hearts. Painful events happen to all of us every day – at home, school, and work. Can all of these become part of our identity that weighs us down and affects how we feel and live? My answer is yes. Swept under the rug frustrations, unfulfilled expectations, and small neglects, over time, build up and create emotional baggage that we carry daily. These small, seemingly insignificant events, which we ignore or downplay, can eventually turn into what psychology refers to as tiny traumas. Even though, individually, they may seem unimportant, their impact on our psyche can be significant, especially when they occur repeatedly.

What is trauma?

To understand what tiny traumas are, we must first pause and consider the meaning of trauma itself. Especially since it is, perhaps unbeknownst to you, inextricably linked to our existence. Research conducted in the United States estimates that around 80% of people will experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. According to psychologist Peter Levine, trauma is not only the result of painful events but primarily the way our body responds to excess stress when there is no opportunity to release the associated energy. Trauma is a psychological and physiological reaction that occurs as a result of a stressful or painful event, evoking overwhelming fear, helplessness, and sometimes terror. 

Typically associated with disasters, accidents, violence, or wars, trauma can, however, have a much wider scope. Importantly, it doesn’t always trigger an immediate response – trauma can lie dormant, growing in the body like a foreign object that gradually poisons the bloodstream. It can work slowly, like a festering wound that is difficult to heal, or like a drop of water that over time leaves a permanent stain on the ceiling. Often, years pass before we realize that the symptoms we are experiencing are the result of trauma. We often try to ignore these symptoms, thinking, "I'm exaggerating," "It's not that," or "It's in the past." In doing so, by downplaying the significance of what is truly affecting us, we engage in internal sabotage, not only emotionally but also physically. This, in turn, impacts our behavior and interpersonal relationships, and can even lead to addictions or illnesses.

In some cases, trauma evolves into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Dr. Arielle Schwartz, a specialist in clinical psychology, has shown that PTSD can develop because of trauma when its symptoms persist for an extended period and the individual is unable to process them effectively. PTSD occurs when a person repeatedly relives the traumatic event through flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts. Symptoms also include avoiding situations that remind them of the trauma, heightened vigilance, and difficulties in regulating emotions. PTSD doesn’t only affect direct victims of disasters, but also occurs in people experiencing chronic stress, those who have witnessed traumatic events, suffered physical or psychological abuse in childhood, or have been caregivers to individuals dealing with trauma.

What didn't happen to you

What if something was missing from your life? Can trauma arise from the absence of key experiences essential for healthy emotional development? How do deficits in security, attention, or care, particularly during childhood, affect us? Trauma doesn’t have to stem from violence, accidents, or other dramatic events. Sometimes it is a response to what should have happened but never did. We’re talking about different kinds of emotional voids that were never filled. Long-term neglect, lack of recognition, praise, or simply the absence of love can be as destructive as one clear, traumatic event. These imperceptible deficits gradually accumulate, leaving a lasting imprint on our psyche, shaping our beliefs about ourselves, the world, and our ability to form healthy relationships.

Trauma doesn’t always directly relate to us and our own lives either. According to therapist Mark Wolynn, emotional and psychological traumas can be inherited. Even though we may not experience difficult events directly, our nervous system and behavior patterns carry traces of the dramatic experiences endured by our parents, grandparents, and even further ancestors. This legacy manifests itself in emotions and reactions that we unconsciously adopt. Illnesses, depression, inexplicable anxiety, deep sadness, uncertainty, or a sense of isolation may have their roots in the life of someone else in our family. The mechanism of inherited trauma extends beyond just emotions to biology as well. Epigenetics, as mentioned by Wolynn, studies how environmental factors, including traumatic experiences, can cause chemical changes in the body that alter the way genes function. This means some genes may begin to operate differently, affecting how we respond to stress, how we form relationships, and how we cope with difficult emotions in daily life. For instance, someone who has never experienced violence may respond with deep fear in stressful situations because their ancestors endured trauma, leaving a mark on their biology.

The healing process

As Levine argues, trauma is the most underestimated, overlooked, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering. However, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. You can free yourself from it. The process is akin to "mending" the cracks that form in our psyche due to difficult experiences. This means gradually working on integrating painful memories, regaining emotional balance, and rebuilding self-worth and the ability to find joy in life. Treatment often requires external help – a complex and long-term approach. A crucial element involves understanding how trauma affects emotions, behavior, and the body. Therapy helps regain control over your life, reduce anxiety, develop strategies for coping with stress, and improve relationships with others. The goal is not to erase painful memories but to understand and integrate them into the whole of our identity. Working through inherited trauma can be even more complicated than dealing with our own direct experiences. It requires confronting not only our own emotions but also the history of our family, of which we may not always be fully aware. The key is to discover which emotions truly belong to us and which are imprints of others' experiences and then to work on freeing ourselves from the burden of these unwanted legacies. It’s a challenging and demanding process.

The trend of trauma

Is discovering the darker places within ourselves easier nowadays? Do we understand trauma and know how to talk about it? I feel that the term is gaining more traction in social consciousness. However, we sometimes use it for situations that don’t necessarily carry the depth of genuine traumatic experiences. We often call a breakup, a tough conversation with a partner, or a meeting with a boss "traumatic." Why is this happening? Partly, it’s due to the more open discourse around mental health that we are seeing today. In these times, there is more talk about difficult experiences, which creates space for support and understanding. More and more people are trying to understand the mechanisms that govern their inner world. This opens the door to discussions about trauma, but also about emotions in general – and this is undoubtedly necessary. Unfortunately, it also carries the risk of diluting or diminishing the meaning of the word "trauma." Trauma is an experience that overwhelms our capacity to cope, often leaving a lasting mark on our psyche. Overuse of the word in everyday, trivial contexts can lead to the trivialization of real traumatic experiences. There’s a risk that true trauma won’t be treated with the seriousness it deserves as a result of this trend. Instead of creating space for genuine conversation, such behavior might close off the path to understanding and offering real help to those who genuinely need it. Does this trend of trauma have any positive consequences? I see in it an opportunity for real understanding, as well as a closer look at ourselves and our experiences. I believe it also creates a space that allows us to acknowledge the darker aspects of our "self," to shed light on the hidden and to admit: "Yes, what happened to me hurts."

The everyday life that is a nuisance 

But does the unimaginable, the difficult, the loud and crashing event hurt more than the common and mundane? Exhausting work challenges, the struggle for financial stability, relationship conflicts, minor injustices or humiliations at work, a whole range of insults, betrayals, and social expectations that no one can fulfill all the time, along with the burdens of household duties and parenting problems. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Many of us might think, “This is my everyday life.” But what happens when we rush through this routine and, in the process, lose ourselves? What if we suppress the emotions related to the pressure from others, the feeling of not being enough, as we try to please everyone? Can this suppression weaken our emotional resources to the point that it forms the basis for trauma? A body functioning constantly in ‘fight or flight’ mode doesn't have time to recover. Both body and mind stop responding to stressors in a healthy way. This is not a single, sudden shock – it’s a systematic, long-term burden. Research shows that chronic tension, which we don’t know how to manage, will eventually disrupt our relationships with others, affect our perception of ourselves, and diminish our ability to enjoy life.

Tiny traumas – the cracks that shape us

These small, everyday wounds are what we call "tiny traumas." Minor insults and injustices, unmet expectations, subtle rejections, or the constant pressure to perform – although not always seen as traumatic in the traditional sense, over time, when left unattended, they grow in intensity. Gradually, they alter our perception of the world, affect our self-confidence and our capacity for joy, eventually transforming into a monster that causes more serious mental health issues. Psychotherapist Meg Arroll confirms this, adding that small wounds can slowly take control of our lives, forming an emotional burden that we carry every day. She even suggests that “it's often the seemingly insignificant events that we ignore which have the greatest impact on our psyche.” Their accumulation is akin to cracks forming in glass – initially almost invisible, but over time, they affect the structure until the material eventually shatters. These are “everyday psychological wounds,” created by thousands of tiny cuts, which over time can turn into deep emotional scars. Although their impact might not be immediately noticeable, in the long run, they can completely dominate us. Small traumas appear in different areas of life – at work, in personal relationships, at home. Due to their commonplace nature, they are often unnoticed, as they are not tied to a single, significant event. Instead, they create an invisible web of minor injuries.

Ignoring daily struggles versus appreciating the little things

Much is said about how important it is to appreciate small successes, minor positive events, or simple acts of kindness from the world. Small joys, such as a smile on a loved one's face, a brief walk, or a moment of quiet amidst the rush of daily life, can significantly impact our well-being. These little moments help us build our mental resilience and notice the positive aspects of life. Consciously recognizing them acts like a balm for the mind and heart, recharging our emotional batteries. But what about the small difficulties that, when ignored, slowly and quietly grow until they eventually overwhelm us? Just as appreciating small joys can make us feel better, paying attention to minor struggles can help prevent their escalation. Seemingly trivial inconveniences, like workplace conflicts, piled-up household duties, or unspoken emotions, can gradually erode our mental balance.

What matters is who you are and how you experience life

We like to view the world in black and white, and categorizing events, rules, terms, and even people in this way can bring us comfort. But what if many important aspects of our reality exist in the grey areas in between? Let’s emphasize that mental health is an extremely complex system influenced by various factors—biological, psychological, and social. You and I might react entirely differently to the same event because we have different internal resources shaped by personal experiences, upbringing, social support, and stress resilience. Therefore, it's important to be aware of your reactions and avoid comparing your emotions to those of others. Each of us faces our challenges, and what seems trivial to one person may be overwhelming to another. It's also worth remembering that our emotional resources are not constant—they fluctuate depending on the context we're in. At one stage in life, we may be more resilient to stress, while at another, our resources may be so depleted that the same experience feels overwhelming.

In search of balance

On the other hand, we live in a world that glorifies strength, perseverance, and pursuing goals at all costs, while sensitivity is often seen as a weakness. In such an environment, it's incredibly difficult to recognize when we're beginning to lose balance. How many times have you said to yourself recently: “What’s worrying me isn’t a real problem,” “Others have real problems,” “You’ve got to keep going, even when it’s tough,” “You have to be strong”? Mental resilience is admired, but it’s rarely mentioned that it doesn’t mean being invincible. We often don’t realize that we’re functioning on the edge of our emotional capacity on a daily basis. The signal that you’re starting to exceed your emotional limits manifest in changes to how you function. When you experience chronic fatigue, irritability, trouble sleeping or concentrating, it’s a sign that your body is struggling to cope with the strain. Equally important are difficulties making decisions, social withdrawal, or feeling overwhelmed by even small tasks. You can also sense this boundary in your relationships—when you begin to avoid contact with loved ones or become less engaged with colleagues. It’s worth asking yourself at such times: “Do I still have the strength?”, “Can I handle this on my own, or should I ask for help?”, “How do I really feel?”. Let’s emphasize this. The key lies in allowing yourself to experience the full range of emotions, including the difficult ones. Sensitivity is not a weakness; it’s an opportunity to recognize these signals.

Be your own friend – trust yourself

The ability to recognize subtle signals requires regular mental “workouts” and practicing mindfulness. This isn't just about being aware of your daily emotions but also being ready to face your limitations and difficult feelings. Remember that the line between a challenge you can handle and a problem that overwhelms your resources isn’t always clear, and you may cross it without realizing it. However, the more consciously you care for yourself daily, the sooner you’ll notice when a difficulty starts to become truly overwhelming. Muscle tension, shallow breathing, headaches, or trouble sleeping—often, the body warns us before we consciously realize the seriousness of the situation. That’s the moment when, instead of ignoring the early signs, it’s worth giving yourself time to recharge. Stopping, analyzing how you feel, and taking the right action—whether it’s resting, changing your habits, or talking to someone close—can prevent more serious problems.

I know the world, which often pushes us into constant productivity and showing strength, doesn’t encourage this kind of focus on the little things. But I lean towards the belief that learning to pause, even briefly, to check in with yourself, can truly change your life. It’s at those moments that the chance to hear what your body is trying to tell you arises. It’s also an opportunity to recognize when you need external support. And let’s emphasize this, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; on the contrary, it’s proof of inner strength and wisdom. So, when you’re struggling with something you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to speak with a specialist. Therapy is about finding ways together to mend those cracks by learning new strategies, rebuilding relationships with others, and regaining control over your life. Remember, you don’t have to handle everything alone. 

Take a look at how you’re feeling today. Try comparing those feelings to how you felt a week ago, a month ago, or maybe even a year ago. Pause and give yourself what’s most precious today—time. Who knows you better than you? Who’s a better expert on your emotions? Who knows better what burdens you’re carrying and how they’re affecting you? Look within yourself. Of course, you might encounter chaos, your weaknesses, neglected aspects of yourself, pain, and fear. You might touch the parts of yourself that aren’t beautiful or perfect. But what’s certain is that these parts carry the truth about you. As Carl Gustav Jung once said, “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” So, grant yourself kindness and trust. And when you do, I believe you’ll always have someone by your side—you. And just like in the philosophy of Kintsugi—the Japanese art of repairing broken objects with gold—those ugly, difficult cracks, once mended, can become part of your “self,” teaching you self-acceptance and acceptance of your past experiences. This way, you have a chance for true healing. I know it’s worth giving yourself that chance.